Tonka Tuff

What's happened to children's entertainment? In the last few days I have been overdosing on supposed 'kid's' movies. And they don't make 'em like they used to. Take 'the Incredibles' for instance. Awesome movie. But instead of learning a lesson about the environment and admiring the pretty colours, I instead became emotionally entangled in the affair-induced marriage crisis of Mr. Incredible and Elastigirl and the lawsuit filed against Mr. Incredible for halting a desired suicide. Then there was Lemony Snicket's 'A Series of Unfortunate Events', where I was hilariously warned that "this is an excellent opportunity to walk out of the theatre, living room or airplane where this film is being shown", before being subjected to a tale about the attempted murder of three orphans, who continue to cheat the homocidal rampage of a psychotic Jim Carrey.

How are today's kids meant to grow up into wusses like me when they have such hardcore, satirical stuff to watch? I say, bring back the glory days of being a child! How could I be who I am if i didn't have all my old friends:

It's megabrain and the whole darn gang!

You have provoked a gang war

I saw the Incredibles tonight. It was very good. I refuse to say it was incredible. But it was good. On the way back, we got chocolate yogo (pudding, in USspeak). In the car, I had a yogo incident (never try to change lanes, drink yogo and indicate the opposite way from the side you are merging to), which resulted in a yogosplosion. Then I got inspired.

Yule have a great time in their presents

Hooray for christmas! What a fun time it was! Beneath all the family warmth, christmas spirit, generosity of giving etc is a true sense of hardcore consumerism. And you know how much I love consumerism! By far the coolest gift ever was friends. No, I don't mean the gift of frienship or some soppy crap like that. I mean my friends boxset with all ten seasons contained in a little box with doors. 10,000 MINUTES OF FRIENDS. And they have a little house to live in! Wowee!

I'll never be alone again now I have friends!

And then there was the stocking that santa filled for me. Now, I don't really know how santa manages to stuff the stocking after he has downed at least 1 billion glasses of cognac, but somehow he managed to come up with the goods. I got holographic novelty glasses with skeletons on them! And a book of logic puzzles! And a glowing blue laser light from Dick Smith Electronics! Man, I'm a NERD! But seriously, check out my awesome blue pen!

This doesn't even give you an inkling of its awesomeness!

As for the presents that I gave other people, I gave Alice a Dolly subscription, but since it had no physical actuality, I wrapped a giant, empty box. She got really excited when she the huge present for her under the tree, but after minutes of unwrapping she found it only contained old SMH newpapers with cryptic crosswords (as if that's not an awesome gift in itself!). Dad thought 'In the Shadow of No Towers' was awesome, and mum's present kickstarted her long-threatened writing career (thanks Alice). And let's not forget the christmas cracker jokes. This year brought my absolute favourite cracker joke ever: "Q: Why do barbers make the best drivers? A: Because they know all the short cuts". I hope everybody's christmas crackers/times in general were just as fun.

Anyway, today Alice and I drove back home, via Penrith. Of course, we stopped for lunch at both Krispy Kreme and McDonalds (both right next to each other, conveniently). I managed to have five KK doughnuts in 5 hours. As for the other little-circles-of-tasty in the KK box... well I think this unsolicited late-night infa-red image tells that story:

Forget friends, with KK I'm really never alone!

I saw 'Meet the Fockers' tonight. Hilarious. Sidesplitting. AWESOME. Dustin Hoffman is my new god. Better than the first one. Even though it had Barbra Streisand.

Pimpland, 1975.

I'm starting to realise that my dad is a lot more of a pimpin' gangsta then I had previously thought. Perhaps he's even a little like 50 cent. Like fid, dad too walks with a limp (though I doubt it's cos he's been hit wit' a few shells), carries a cane and has wads of cash (doesn't believe in wallets, which was a problem in egypt when he waved a wad around in front of the "police" (ie: the guys with the biggest guns). But I think it's the pimping and exploitation that really bring the two to the same level of gangstism. Take a look at this picture that is on proud display in our hallway at home:

I like the dollar sign, to show what he exploits them for.
(update: this image IS real... no photoshop).
Anyway, seeing this picture has made me wonder what awesome pimping adventures my dad must have gotten up to in the 70's. Would he have chased jive-ass-suckas down the streets in his cadillac, whence upon catching up he would intimidate them with wads of benjamins, flick a switch on his jewel-encrusted bling-cane and dance a funky robot dance? I'm pretty sure it would have gone 1000% like this:

Adventures in downtown Pimpland, 1975.

Now I'm confused. Do I still want to grow up to be sandy or do I want to be like clivedaddy? Well, while I'm thinking about that, I'm off to Yasmin's party. There will be food there. This is good. I haven't been eating very well (my breakfast today was just like a chocolate millkshake... only it was one).

Where do the Fraggles live?

Yesterday Will, Scott, Brydie, Alice, Alex, Alys and I had funtimes in Double Bay, playing on pontoons, drinking ginger beer, playing defunct German boardgames etc. (ie: a typical day of fun circa 1832). Early in the day, Will told me about a campaign against littering (both physical and spiritual) he once saw that featured religious icons such as Jesus above toughasnails anti-litter slogans. So I pretended to write an SMS, secretly writing down what he was saying on my phone, and proceeded to come up with the following image. Print these out and circulate them (NOT litter the streets with them, hand them to people and then follow them home to make sure they don't drop them on the ground) around your area:

An anti-litter campaign should feature a rubbish Bin Laden.

I got my MRI results back. Everything is fine! My doctor (who looks like Mr. Bean, or so says my dad... and a few deranged patients in his office who actually congratulated him for his work in Blackadder) thinks I have small migraines that may develop later on. I may need glasses too. Goodtimes! And now, I'll take you further then you ever wanted to go and show you my brains:

While I was getting my scan, the nurse told me to imagine I was somewhere else, like by the beachside. So, the above photos were taken whilst I was imagining I was on the beach stuck in an MRI getting a scan. I didn't have a very good imagination whilst in there. But if you want, you can study the images and make your brain copy them exactly, so you too can imagine exactly what it feels like to be by a beachside, in an MRI getting a scan.

Last night at Alice's (awesome) house, all of us (except Will, sadly) played a tough game of Trivial Pursuit. We were confounded by questions about Fraggles. It was all in all a very hard-to-win-pie experience. Of course we were 3/4 of the way through before we reailsed we were playing the 'Youth Version' of the 1980s. I thought the Fraggles may have been some sort of classy adult drama or a popular sitcom from the 80s. No. Here they are:

Where do the Fraggles live? On Fraggle Rock!

UPDATE:
For a bit o' xmas cheer, here's a more fun (in an epileptic red light district way) version of Will:

Catode Rays

Well on Wednesday I had to get a CAT (MRI) scan of my brains. Unfortunatley I spent the entire nigth before the scan looking up horror MRI stories on the internet (I'm a bit claustrophobic). Thus when I arrived for my 8:15am appointment, even 2002 Woman's Day articles about the romantic escapades of Prince Harry couldn't subdue my urge to get the fuck out of the country. The actual scan was half an hour of claustrophobic fun, simultaneously the most horrifying/relaxing thing in my entire life. It wouldn't have been so bad if I hadn't been exactly 2 minutes late back to the Edgecliff parking complex and forced to pay $10 for going over the 1.5 hour freeparking times. Anyway, now I've experienced it, I know the TRUE POWER behind CAT scans:

More realistic if you imagine a pulsing radioactive noise.
Purrfect joke, don't get catty, a good yarn, it whiskered me away, paw quality etc.
Christmas hampers are strange things. They always have products from strange food companies that you never see in the shops. Right now I am munching down upon some 'Chocolate Chip Shortbread' made by a company called 'Pure Butter'. Previously I tastetested some assorted xmas themed cookies made by 'Unibic', which is like the amalgamtion of two famous pen companies. I get the inkling that I'll regret eating them.

u eat shit cos yr stupid & shallow

Boring music entry. I'm sorry.
I saw brian wilson (beach boy) in concert tonight at the opera house. He was awesome! Just as ridiculously insane as expected. See, this is the tour for the album that he nearly finished making in the 60s as a reply to the beatles' Sgt. Pepper album. But then, for a song about the fire brigade, he decided that the mood would be more authentic if he set the studio on fire whilst recording it. Of course, the studio burnt down and he was carted off to the looney asylum. But now he's back. The show was awesome, complete with 14-piece band, giant vegetable props (for a song about vegetables...), flashing fire sirens and fire brigade hats (once again to set the mood for the song... luckily the opera house was made of concrete or we'd all be burnt by now). At one point, Wilson yelled "ok... go!" and all the band members pulled out various pieces of hardware appliances, such as saws, hammers and wrenches, and proceeded to have a renovation-noise jam session for a few minutes. The highlight was when Wilson got up and played the bass for a medley of rad beach boys classics ('I get around', 'surfin' usa', and my favourite, 'fun, fun, fun') all in a row. Sure, he fell over with the bass and nearly died, simply because he can't actually move a bone in his body, but he was AWESOME. The old people dancing around in the aisles were NOT AWESOME.

Picture interlude:


I encountered another musical hero tonight. On the train home from circlekey at 11:30pm, I noticed that the only other person sitting in the carriage was none other then Glenn Thompson (ex-custard, ex-titanics, writer of classic songs such as 'Taxi, Taxee')! Sure, he looked like he hadn't eaten or showered in 3 years, but it was cool seeing him. And then, when the train abruptly switched destinations from newtown to ashfield, we both ran out before the door closed, and had a silent 'confused and angry at cityrail' moment together. Then, since I had no money left, I had to walk home from central through Sydney Uni. Which is now run by cats. (See above).

I am seeing the Killers in Paris with Alys! Hooray! I'm excited about that.

All jokes they told were killers.

Better than the moving pictures

I went to an oratorio called 'the messiah' (it's the one with 'Hallelujah') with my family last night at the opera house. Man, talk about a one hit wonder oratorio (do people talk about that?)! Three hours and they only played one good song. Alice and I nearly went insane. I tried to sneak read one of the 3 Archie double digests that I had bought at Comic Kingdom earlier in the day (I hid them in program), but elite opera-goers sitting behind me woudn't have any of it. Anyway, it was lucky for Alice and I that the accompanying program for the Messiah was so bad it was good. Here's some stuff from it that kept us entertained for the three excruciating hours:

Mobile 'phones? Oh I say these newfangled stereophonic devices of to-day! My word!


These were the singers in the Messiah. What, are wanky hands a requisite in these photos?

Anyway, I made a UTS diss image. The only problem is that I really like UTS (especially the tower, I think I'm the only person in the world who regards it as humankind's greatest architectural feat) and often wish that I went there. But seriously, such a diss idea was too good to pass up:

A high disstinction.

For no reason at all, I decided that this morning before work would be the best possible time to take a new picture for my blogger profile. So I set up the camera and... um, took quite a few images. And I was late to work. Am I not the biggest fool in the entire world? Here are some of the highlights:

If I don't get my coffee I may destroy you.

On the back of a taxi today I saw the sticker "Taxi drivers united for a change". I have newfound respect for all back-of-taxi stickers now. As a complete contrast, I saw a shitty image on a church billboard featuring line drawings of the three wisemen and the big star, with 'the original Star Trek' written across it. Sigh.

What's in store for the pointsman?

He should lobby for points!

UPDATE:
Well, the pointsman just came through for me. I can't believe he was still up at 5:30pm to do it. My marks aren't as good this semester, but I'm pretty happy with the ethics result. Man I wish my renaissance lecturer had given me that one extra point. Ah well. I guess it wouldn't have mattered, my senior average is still an infuriatingly non-distinct 74.0833333333333!

Shameless Appropriation

There's this whole thing going down in the music industry about copyright infringement. Apparently stealing or appropriating copyrighted music is the worst thing you can do. People are going to gaol over this. But maybe the copyright police should be checking out other areas of copyright misuse. All around the world (well, at least my surrounding suburbs), copywrote characters are being ripped off and misused by people's businesses like nobody's business. Suddenly Princess Jasmine from Aladdin is the official mascot for Golden Kebab & Pide Planet on Cleveland St. But that is just the beginning? I'm sure you're all well acquainted with my childhood (and recently, pathetic 2am gaming addiction) hero, Sonic:

He was the king of the mega drive...


Gasp! Now he's the king of the drive-in auto repair store!
STILL NO FUCKING POINTSMAN ARHT RESULT! ARGHT!
In other news, CNN.com has a list of the top 10 cheesiest movie lines of all time. Usually these things are suck, but one entry made me laugh so much a bit of beetroot from my giant work sandwich flew out of my mouth and stuck on Ruth's office wall. It's from Kevin Costner's 'The Postman'. A blind woman says to Kevin Costner: "You're a godsend, a saviour." He replies, assumedly deadpan without sarcasm,: "No, I'm a postman." Hilarious. He should stop trying to play alpha-mail roles. Luckily we'll never be tempted to say something so wanky to the pointsman, since he is neither a godsend nor a saviour. He's just a lazy evil genius.

Whataboutwadeinnewmexico?

Legal Will

Something that I never thought would happen occured on Thursday. My dad framed me on the front page of the Sydney Morning Herald. In this article, concerning a crossword defamation, dad said stuff about my degree that I didn't know. And to make it worse, my future career has been sealed as one which is dedicated to defending underworld rulers called 'Mr. Sin'*. Of course, dad was awesome in his usual way for completely controlling the interview and throwing it off track (maybe the reporter was distracted by Lenin, a strung-up Red Baron biplane destroying the allies, or Darth Vader fighting a crashing Pan Am, all of which can be found in dad's office). Plus, the article had an awesome punning title. Here's the exceprt:

When I said "get mo' paper", I didn't mean this!

Well, the pointsman gave me some of my results. Actually, he gave them to me 2 minutes after I published my angry entry. Maybe the poinstman does have a heart... hey let's find out! Let me introduce you to:

Pointsman DOES have a heart... of flamethrower!
Don't be sad. Pointsman will be back for more craziness soon!
Also, look at this ridiculously brain-meltingly weird blog dedicated to trampolines. It appears to be one of those generic "I will use a free blog to sell internet goods, spam style" blogs... except who in their right mind would think there is a market out there for assorted trampoline news and parts. Warning: whatever you do, don't click on the 'kinky trampoline porn' link halfway down the page. Jian did and it broke him!
DISCLAIMER: DON'T SUE ME!
*according ONLY to his defamers. This is of course NOT true. He is nice and clean and shiny overworld to the maximum.

BADMEAN POINTSMAN

FUCKING POINTSMAN!!! I HATE HIM. Why will he not give me my points (exam results)?! He is a pointsman isn't he? Why won't he give them? Argh! Argh! FUCK YOU POINTSMAN. I have just checked my results for the 17th time in the last 1/2 hour. This is exactly the same time I got them last semester. So why no points? FUCK. Alys got hers (ok, one..), WHY CAN'T I HAVE ONE? I HATE YOU POINTSMAN!!!!11111

Evil pointsman you do not deserve your shiny pointsman uniform!!!!

On a nonpointsman note. I love cereal. I eat it morning, day and night. It's the perfect meal: you can eat it with one piece of cutlery, it has food AND drink and you often get a free pedometer in the packet! But in Australia we don't have the awesome variety of cereals that I read about every day in my Archie Double Digest comics. I don't think I can take it anymore. I need Cap'n Crunch! And a few months ago I saw a Cap'n Crunch box in a bin on Church St! He's close! If you don't know why I wan't the Cap'n so much, Just look what happens if you eat him (or his cereal):

My social awkwardness will be eradicated by the Cap'n!

Accidental Porn is the New Black

Well this post was meant to go up yesterday but the blogger was broked. So allow me to recreate the feeling of yesterday, today!:
CALIFORNIA CALIFORNIA HERE WE COMEEEEEHUMMMMM
I had a very weird couple of experiences tosmorning*. Firstly, I awoke to find a wasp nest being built by a killer giant megawasp on my balcony. I thought about wrenching it but decided it was best to let it continue on its merry (STINGING) little (MEGABIG) way. Then, as I was waiting to cross the street, a little old lady asked me to help her across. Whilst she kungfugripped my arm, she asked me what my aspirations in life were (to get a Boost juice), and then proceeded to inform me about how she made great spaghetti. I never knew stereotypical old ladies like that existed. Awesome. And finally, when I finally got to Boost, the guy in front of me picked up his two juices, and the Boost guy popped down one of the buttons on the lid (you know, the generic takeaway drink lid buttons) to indicate that one of the drinks was 'Diet'. Doesn't Boost Guy know the law of the universe? It is illegal to actually make use of those little lid (liddle?) buttons. Argh! Weird morning!

Did you know that Krispy Kreme can kater for your wedding with delicious doughnut wedding cakes? And did you also know that, according to the poster at the Penrith Krispy Kreme outlet, 'with Krispy Kreme you are NEVER ALONE". Not even if you get so fat that you eat your Krispy Kreme wedding partner just to get those extra few bites you missed out on. Hmmm. Also did I mention that I work at Krispy Kreme? I suggest you try the Doughnut-flavoured Koffee:

After each shift I dip my head into the Kreme batter and go crazy!

It is a little known fact that Pat and his friend Nic-with-no-k are actually deceptacons (decepatcons?) fighting for the supreme victories of evil. If you don't believe me, I have completely un-edited photographic proof:

Take that!

In keeping with the overall weirdness of this entry, I should mention that last Thursday, as I was walking across Circle Key on my way to work, I came across the World's Biggest Risotto cook-off. Sure, it was all a front for promoting rice, but I laughed at the 40-odd cooks because it was hot and the risotto smelt bad.

As for the title of this entry, it seems as if accidentally sending porn images to unsuspecting victims is so hot right now. In the past few weeks we've had the police send child porn to 1,800 schools and that whole Australian Idol gay porn mishap. What next? Only time will tell. (Oh, and on a highschool note, the links I just provided to corresponding SMH articles have the word 'Farticles' in the url. I laughing.)

*tosmorning IS a real word. Just like tosafternoon. See, you have today, tomorrow. It just makes perfect sense.