Wednesday, June 29, 2005

What's up wit chew?

Hurrah, it's time for my second mind-numbingly scary 'medical procedure' in 6 months. This time it's wisdom teeth! Of course, the natural, normal thing to do is peruse the internet to find out every bit of information on your forthcoming operation. In case you were wondering about what goes down in the removal, check out this happy, non-eye-gouge-inducing little animated dentistry gif that I found:

Mmmm, say, here's a question... what, pray tell, is that CRAZY MACHINE? WHY DOES IT HAVE THE POWER TO KILL? Is this where the 'dent' bit comes from?

Sure, that cleared up a lot about the peaceful operation. But what about the past and pending of the gums and their little run in with the dreaded smart tooth? That can all be answered in this gum video:

That's some biting satire of dentistry!

Ok, so I'm so scared I can barely open a Ribena squeezy pack. It makes me think... just what the fuck are the point of wisdom teeth? If all they do is cause saddness, why do they exist? It's not like they are actually wise and speak for you when you open your mouth, right? Nah, that's ridiculous. Now, you've seen the impending doom for my gums, but what about the me-you-see? Here's a look:

In a world first joke exclusive, lose your wisdom teeth, be dumb!

Sunday, June 26, 2005

will's blog

Time to put less effort into these.
Here's a donkey in a boat saying something:

Tuesday, June 21, 2005

I can help yourself?

Hate it when people walk in on you singing Aqua songs whilst wearing a home made latex mask of that crazy Dutch dude who sings "come on Barbie let's go party"? Is your rep diminishing as you read? I want to help you make those horrific incidences a thing of the past:

Unfortunatley it has to be in the Preferred Format of the Infidels™, windows media. If you have a mac and it won't play, then you'll have to view it in VLC or "new version, now with PLAY button" Windows Media Player. Sorry!

Also, on the topic of videos, check out this absolutely radical new-wave japanese dude playing the Mario theme on his guitar. It will blow your mind, in quicktime format.

Tuesday, June 14, 2005

Push things ford

Sure, to the uninformed eye it looks like your average ford falcon. But little do you know that my car is packed with thousand of mouthwatering unique special features. Once you see them you'll be dying to fork out the K cash to take it from my hands:

Forget unleaded petrol. This car runs on leaded spanners. Having 31 spanners left means the car will run for a good 15 minutes before dying. At around 109.9 a spanner, that's a DEAL STEAL.

This security feature will make thieves think their chips are down. The special door handle is enriched with a McDonalds chip that has been left to marinate in water for months.

Power windows? Screw that! Dual power wrench action!

Light on satisfaction? Light on with a window handle instead. With this car, you will dash to customise your dash!

Want to turn the radio off? Why reach all the way over to the dashboard? Just turn this power mirror knob to 'R' and watch the radio fuse explode! Now that's luxury.

Out of cupboard space in your apartment? Forced to put your stuff on the floor? Give that idea the boot! This specially modded space let's you carry your wardrobe with you wherever you go!

Kick those old tyres to the kerb! These special low-air tyres will never tire of that desirable 'just parked on the kerb' feeling.

Friday, June 10, 2005

Tucker's Tales

Nature has millions of unexplained occurrences, but there is one that is unarguably the most troubling. I'm talking about the inexplicable 'pants tuck in'. In 99% of men, there is a certain age where they will suddenly decide that the days of not tucking their shirt into their pants are over. One day, the shirt is untucked, free-flowing, care-free, happy-go-lucky. The next moment, BAM, without anyone noticing the transition, his shirt is tucked into his pants. Or maybe he does it ever so slightly, 5mm tucked in over the course of year for a seamless (no pun) transition. But it happens! Take a look around. There's a certain age where you no longer see guys with their shirt untucked. And what's worse, as this graph shows, the pants just get higher with age:

A specific belt of high-pants results start to fly up around age 25.

I've decided to get to the bottom of this mystery is to speed up the whole process and watch how pants change over time. If this guy, let's call him Tucker Klaüsttøøp, were you friend, you would not notice the change in his pants. You might even say "why, that Tucker Klaüsttøøp is one hell of a non-pants tucker", but then look at him properly for the first time in years and see his pants up to his neck. But let's have a look at Tucker's appearance over 20 years:

AHA! A definte hint of change.

Ok, we've identified the problem. So what's the resolution? The total worldwide abolition of pants? Education? Or maybe it is up to each of us to make a difference, the power is yours!

Tuesday, June 07, 2005

Project Chameleo

A while ago, Nick, a scientist, was searching for inventions to patent on google, when he found Project Chameleo, a supposedly defunct patented invisibility device. As shown in this diagram (from the site), the cloaking device uses some sort of 'shield' which takes existing light to create flawless invisibility:

Perfect for those top secret missions into enemy clip-art territory.

Anyway, since the project seems to have run out of steam, I thought I'd do my part and actively field test it. Following the project outlines as best I could, I gathered my invisibility shield and hid myself in some exotic locations. The results were amazingly triumphant! There's a cold hard cash prize involved for anyone who can find even the slightest hint of me in the five photos (don't get your hopes up):

Attempts to find me will leave you forlawn.

Witness Project Chaemelo and gravel at my feet.

You wheel never believe I'm in this photo.

Won't find any rugged good looks in this picture.

My location leaves everything to the imagination.

No, this was not a trick. I really was in each of those photos. I hearby find (no pun intended) Project Chaemelo to be a success of Where's Wally proportions!

Friday, June 03, 2005

DIE blogging!

I present to you, the first ever do-it-easily blogging pack!

Tweed not included!

Tired of waiting for legal will updates that just end up being tired, pointless and uninspired? No more! For just $13.37 you can get this handy DIE kit, which will put YOU in CONTROL of your very own legal will:

Pictured: the legal will Klåusdørf pack. Packaging supplied by ikea.

Using the supplied blü-tac* and duct-tape you can put together the kit in as little as 17 man hours:

*inferior quality 20 year old product from East Germany. Actually blue.

Satisfied customer Richard N. had this to say about our product: "There are some people, you know, they think the way to be a big man is to shout and stomp and raise hell - and then nothing ever really happens."