Monday, March 28, 2005

Gangster wrap

A lot of old people live in Turramurra (I don't blame them, we have an awesome selection of used fabric stores). So when mum and I go cruisin' around (and that's a lot), we complain about the 'old ducks' on the pedestrian crossings, what with their tartan covered shopping trolleys full of cabbage, beige golf pants and scarily big shoes. I was thus pleasantly suprised to see this road sign outside a retirement village in Leura:

Ie: Speed limit is 80kmh... minimum.

Ok, so it turns out that every post this week has been sort of rap themed. I mean, I just used the word "crusin'". So I thought I'd get all the remaining rap related posts out of my system now, just so you never have to hear me say "y'all git crunk wit mo' paper fo' shizzle G" again.

So... 50 cent. He's been in the game for a long time. I mean, he's been hit wit' a few shells and walx with a limp. He's so hot right now. That's why Missy Elliott got him to do a remix of "Work It" for her Under Construction album. Let's have a look at the 'thank you' section of said album:

Pass that Dutch? More like... Pass that English... test... for learning names... yeah (haha).

So... G-Unit. They're a tough bunch of biscuits. I mean, take a gander: (I already used "look" today...)

What's with the sinister guy on the wall? What's his game*?

But as you maybe** know, back in '98 when G-unit was just a G-decimal (hey it's a math joke and it doesn't even work! G-G-G-General-maths!) I was a member of the ORIGINAL G-Unit:

12 hardcore young lads who were hit wit' a few shells of puberty and hiked wit' a limp (I've been thinking of that one all day you know...).

And I'ma done with rap... I mean, I'm done.

* Ok so I actually know that it's the Game, the guy who just got kicked out of G-unit by 50 for not dissing on Fat Joe. My clever clever pun was so intentional.
** Wow, my first blatand rehash of blog material. I'm proud.

Saturday, March 26, 2005

Print media

Sometimes things get a little scary. Like when you wake up in the morning on the couch with one shoe on, an empty double-pack or Oreo's stuck to your chest and the oc episode that you put on repeat on the tv in it's 8th straight rotation of Seth's antics (a purely hypothetical situation of course... who could ever fall asleep with Seth n' Sandy on... their lives are better than any dream). Also, when Marky, who I think works at a seedy toy company (though that information could be out of date because a few months ago his boss locked him in the store for 5 hours with nothing to eat but a used-by salami), finds THIS as the default internet explorer windows desktop on the computer at his work:

(It's the 5x5pixel image of me from the SMH article about theatresports). What are the implications of having seedy toy shop owners setting me as the default background on their computers? Hopefully some sort of lawsuit. Or at least some cracked monitors.

Jordan and Robyn went to Funktrust on Thursday night, and I'm pretty sure they went with the intention to git crunk. Not exactly sure what it means to git crunk? Well, who better to ask then Lil' Jon, the inventor of crunk? Rean on:

Ah right, so I just need to pick up some fresh clothes, watch, chain, platinum goblet and diamond teeth before I go get crunk. Maybe that's what those drive-thru 24 hour dentists in LA are for.

Ok, so in German, 'die' means 'the':
Whilst in Austria, I went hunting for a mythical magazine cover I had once heard of, which had 'Die Hiltons' sprawled on the front cover. After perusing places that sold seedy Austrian porn and men's magazines (ie: the front window of every newsagent), I gave up. Google made no mention of it (though I did get a few hits under 964,000 hits for "Die Paris Hilton").But then... I found it in the remains of newspaper I used as wrapping paper (hey, I use it for other reasons than cheapness, like...) So here, in all it's sticky-taped-back-together glory.

There's a boring backstory associated with this magazine cover. To make it slightly more interesting, I "hid" it in this post.

Tuesday, March 22, 2005

Def to y'all haterz

The thought of the armed forces conjures up many an image. Brave ANZAC soldiers fighting for our freedom in the name of king, country and mediocre tasting cookies. But rarely does it envoke a hardcore 80s rapper talking about how cool mo' shizzle be fo' rizzle. Well it should, and I'll show why.

You know what 'def' means right?

The hearing-impared are high up in the hip hop hierachy.

You may also be familiar with credible rap personality, Mos Def:

His name could go two ways: "Most Def", as in 'I be tha most def', or "Moss Def", as in 'Kate Moss is so def right now'.

And who could forget the Def Jam label, who not only fostered early hip hop poineers like beastie boys or Run DMC, but also took defness to entirely new levels:

"Roses are red and vioelts are blue, I pimped mo' hoes now im'a comin' fo' you".

So what does this have to do with the armed forces? Well, I saw my navy friend Alex's credit card today. He's a member of the Navy's very own credit union:

Defcredit: ask about our lo' interest lo' rider initiative.

I assume the defcredit card also comes in silver, gold and platinum, so as to suit all your bling needs:

"I'm so tough that when the defcredit repo guys came to reposses my pieces, I got their tv... all without batting an eyelid... well, maybe one or two."

Monday, March 21, 2005

Save it you're overrated

The picture looks like he really was smashed by Federer in some Indian wells. Or maybe it was taken just as Federer crushed Australia's world No. 2...

Tuesday, March 15, 2005

Shake Shake Cola

Ok, it's hot. Very hot. I'm tired and disillusioned with uni and life. So It'll take some days before I can think of anything interesting to write on here. In the mean time, here's some pictures from California (and one from New York, just for fun):

Apparently there were so many suicides on the Golden Gate bridge that they stopped announcing the actual number when it reached 990 because it was thought that there would be a race to see who could be the 1000th. And they installed free crisis counselling phones every 20m on the bridge.

Couch not pictured.

Here's me at said bridge. It was very green in California.

I was happy because I'd just had my first Apple Snapple.

They have countdowns next to the red man('s hand) at San Francisco crossings! What's more, the time it gives you to cross seems to be completely arbitrary. Sometimes it's 17 seconds. Sometimes it's 3.

Still time enough to take a rest on the road.

I saw this sign in the Chinese district of SF. Although at first glance it's a seemingly innocent smiley face, there's just something about the angle of one of those eyes that makes it racially questionable.

Salad isn't fun. Maybe it comes with toys hidden in it.

This one speaks for itself.


Look! Strange petrol signs from foreign areas!

That's per top hat... or whatever the imperial liquid for petrol is.

In the middle of Times Square in NY, there is actually one of these, right next to all the shiny ads for sex and the city.

Look! Uncle Sam used without sarcasm OR irony! The fools!

And finally, here's what the US thinks of Tasmania:

Friday, March 04, 2005

Here we come

Since I can't hack (and by hack I mean easily plug without getting beaten by an angy internet cafe "waiter" with a rusty-nailed baseball bat) my camera into any internet cafes in california, I figured I'd do some sort of awards type thing highlighting the best and worst stuff of the trip. This is in no way inspired by the fact that at least 10 people tried to sell me oscar knock-offs on the way to this particular cafe (I had to walk down hollywood and sunset boulevards... scary places).

Best tasting hotel shampoo:
1. Rosemary mint bath gel in San Francisco: complimentary and delicious.
Runners up: Harvard club "health bar" in New York: It didn't take me long to realise that health bar doesn't mean a delicous, carb-loaded choctastic treat, but it was still free soap and definitley would have disinfected my mouth.

Best police accessory:
1. Police boxes in Paris: policemen are forced to spend all night in what looks like a telephone box out in the cold on the street. There are no amenities in said boxes, and it seems like they are unable to leave on their shift, so they probably wouldn't be able to do much if they saw a crime. But it's nice to have a witness.
2. Police Goggo-mobiles in Central Park, NY: 3 wheeled mock-worthy carts with a crappy flashing light on the top and a little horn. Criminals burst out laughing.
3. Police segways in San Francisco: Traffic controllers riding about on giant scooters, forever looking like they're about to loose control and roll down the steep roads into the bay. Comes with glowing yellow vest.

Best renaming of 'Streets' ice cream brand:
1. Good Humor, US: Same logo, same ice creams, different brand name. What kind of brand name is 'Good Humor'? Well, I guess these are the guys responsible for the tasty yet embarrassing-to-order-in-high-school-cafetreria 'Gaytime'.
Runners up: 'Streets' is called 'Eskimo' in Austria and 'Miko' in France. At least 'Eskimo' sort of describes a cold thing. What kind of brand is 'Streets' anyway? Ice creams don't come from the streets.

Coolest dude in a McDonalds queue:
1. Guy in London queue: In my first few hours in London, I was waiting behind this guy and he wanted to get out of the line. So instead of saying "Excuse me", he just says "fuck off!". Welcome to Britain.
2. Guy in Times Square, NY queue: 15 year old black guy with much bling tries to pimp girls waiting in the queue with him. Fails and is justly mocked.

Ugliest child:
1. Children in Imperial Hotel, Paris: A French family was eating breakfast in the hotel. One of their children was 3 years old and balding, the other had a bulbous foreheads and eyebrows like devil horns. Spitting image of their parents.
Runners up: Every child I saw in London: Ugly little fuckers.

TV shows that you think are good just because the city you're in is so cool:
1. 'Pimp My Ride' marathon in Paris: coming down from my Kirsten Dunst/Jason Schwartzman high and drinking 1 Euro supermarket wine, a marathon of 'Pimp My Ride' was the coolest thing ever.
2. 'As Good as it Gets' in New York: "I'm in New York and watching American tv and there's a movie on at 8am!" sustained me for a still-in-bed session of horribly crap movie.
3. Crappy Austrian knock off of 'A-mazeing' in Vienna: we couldn't understand what they were saying, but watching kids try and out peddle each other on virtual exercise bikes made for good watching!

Coolest airport names:
1. LAX, Los Angeles: It sounds like an awesome sequel to 'Escape from LA' and it lax nothing (I've been thinking of that since the airport!...).
2. JFK, New York: You end up thinking "if somebody assasinated me here, you know it would be kind of cool and historically nostalgic". Also, you get to say to the taxi driver "take me to John F Kennedy!". You couldn't get into a cab in Germany and say "take me to Hitler!".
3. CDG, Paris: Well, it beats 'Vienna airport' and 'San Francisco airport'.

and finally,

Best cities on the trip:
1. New York/Paris: Obviously the two coolest places in the world.
2. Vienna: Small, bleak and cold. Three suprisingly impressive qualities.
3. San Francisco: Steep and filled equally with intellectuals and fake tanned californians. It's like Sydney but good.
4. Los Angeles: Not last on the list only because London was so fucked and because new cds cost AU$13.
5. London: Pretty parks, cool shops, great monopoly sights. But 2/3 of these pale in comparison to the US and Europe, with the added bonus that not every single person looks like they want to kill themselves. Plus it's kind of pricy. And by kind of, I mean I wanted to live in my AU$8 Big Mac box.

See everyone soon!