Friday, March 24, 2006

Fuck the Cancer Council

I don't understand this Cancer Council. Somehow, they have fooled millions into thinking they are against cancer... I see people donating money to the Cancer Council minions in the street all the time. But somehow, nobody seemed to notice that they're not called the "Anti-Cancer Council". This is the fucking CANCER Council. A council that gives you cancer. It's at the top of their agenda. They have a Powerpoint presentation graph dedicated to maximising your cancer over time. They all have X-ray vision... that is, vision that shoots out cancerous X-rays. At you.

And I have proof. When I was 10, I foolishly shelled out $5 at school for a tube of Cancer Council sunscreen. Later, at the beach, I put it on heavily and went out in the sun for half an hour. And I got mad burnt. Seriously, it was like SPF -100... it was basically UV enhancing super death milk. Fucking Cancer Council. Evil bastards.

Want more proof? Remember the wife of Superman Christopher Reeve who died a few weeks ago from lung cancer, even though she had never smoked a day in her life? The Cancer Council totally hit that.

Thursday, March 23, 2006

Feed a child - Cook a Republican

Saturday, March 18, 2006

You only give me your rubbish

Walking home today I saw the most emo bin ever:

Thursday, March 16, 2006

Flushing

Things Eastern Europe/South America can't always offer its citizens:
- Uncorrupt government institutions.
- Non-brutal police.
- Equal opportunity.
- Low unemployment rates.
- Sanitary, low cost housing.
- A stable currency.
- A lack of US interference.

Things Eastern Europe/South America can always offer its citizens:
- The Nanny: budget localised versions of the antics of Fran and Mr. Sheffffield, featuring sleazy wooden actors facing the camera and delivering google-translated transcripts of the US show. It totally kicks the original's ass.

I'm seeing quadruple. Actually, I'm seeing triple... From the looks of it the Ecuador one just turns into porn.

Currently, you can catch outspoken Melek trying to win the heart of her boss Ă–mer whilst avoiding the witty barbs of Pertev the butler in the Turkish version at 12:30am Tuesday on SBS. It's called Dadi.

Monday, March 13, 2006

Don't go Robin Banks

Currently writing a draft of my thesis, for which I've had to do lots of research on Stencil Graffiti artist Banksy. According to his stencils (check these ones he did on the Segregation Wall in Palestine) and his books, he's a real tough cookie. You know, with his "laugh now, but one day we'll be in charge" monkeys and anti-antidisestablishmentarianism (who cares what it means?) stuff. One of those dirty, British, hoody-wearin', heoin addled geezer types.

So what's with this actual photo of him? He looks like a crash between that guy from Death Cab For Cutie and my maths teacher. This is not the face of an 'urban terrorist', it's the face of a guy who always dreamed of being Patch Adams' stand-in, but was too afraid of pillows and people to ever leave his room:

Also, is his name Robin Banks and did he think 'Banksy' was cooler?

EDIT:
Dear sir

I am writing to ask your help with a sensitive matter.

The photograph purtaining to be that of the artist 'Banksy' posted on your blog is not 'Banksy' the graffiti artist. The person depicted is not involved in graffiti or any criminal activity whatsoever.

What seems to have initially started as a prank has caused a considerable amount of stress and inconvenience to the person featured, and jeopodised his career.

Due to this misinterpretation I have a legal obligation to make every attempt to remove this image from the internet - if and when it is associated with the artist 'Banksy'.

Furthermore, I have been authorised to use this email address to legitimise my request. If you have any doubt please respond to this email and I will reply promptly.

Thank you in advance in anticipation of your understanding.

yours sincerely

Andrew Saunders
Solicitor for Banksy

Friday, March 10, 2006

Ipecac or Die

I appreciate subtle humour. Wordplay, clever satire, topical digs, and the occasional pun even. But... there's only one thing that will make me cry with laughter until my face hurts and I have to call the hernia doctor, and that's prolonged-vomit humour. I know it's wrong, and I try to hide it, but these stupid TV shows keep on serving me up more. Many of the shows/movies you know and love have participated in prolonged-vomit humour: Futurama, South Park, Little Britain and especially Team America (Ed: classy list you've got going there).

But just tonight I saw the one which took the cake. I nearly fainted. I swear no blood vessels went unbursted. I guess I should have known that the Family Guy, king of all 'overstay-their-welcome' jokes, would eventually scrape the barrel... I should have prepared myself. My poor face.

Anyway, I have made a little quicktime mov of the scene, in which Peter, Brian, Stewie and Chris each down a bottle of Ipecac, for you to watch, just to see if you have the same reaction. Or maybe I should be sent to prison or something.* Click to watch:

Hold my ears...

*
but sucks to you cos I would totally be able to bust out with my overhead projector.

Thursday, March 09, 2006

Cathy in passable-quality comic SHOCK!

Click the pretty picture for the happy comic:

It's even better in Spanish.

Tuesday, March 07, 2006

Officer, there's been an accident! I...

Monday, March 06, 2006

Turgid Breaks

Your guide to prison life.
Informed by the realistic documentary called Prison Break.


Above: Inmates may visit each other only during 'Open Cell Thursdays'

The 12 rules of prison:

1. No contraband items are allowed in prison. However, it should be noted that if you need anything, you may summon it and it will come to you. There is no limit to the amount of times you can summon things such as overhead projectors and mobile phones made out of soap. However, please be advised that there is a once per week limit on summoning the keys to your cell.

2. You are only allowed to make one phone call. The payphone (no payment required) is conveniently located in the prison yard, where you spend most of your day unsupervised. Please note this one call limit does not apply when receiving calls. Or if you really need to call your girlfriend.

3. You must stay in your cell at all times. The only time you can leave your cell is if you really need to crawl in the ventilation ducts to scope out a prospective escape. Inmates should note that there is a 6 hour limit on the amount of time you can be AWOL from your cell without causing minor suspicion, however if you do deviate from this time limit and a guard is approaching, you should use your teleport to magically reappear in your bed. Cell exit is located behind the plastic toilet for your convenience.

4. Tattoos are encouraged. They make you look tough, which is a vital part of surviving prison. Plus, they provide an excellent way of recording the complete blueprints to the prison for quick reference.

5. Do not hit on the prison doctor. Sure, she's hot, young and is also the daughter of the governor (ie: the only one who can grant you clemency), but this is strictly forbidden. That is, unless you sense that she is in danger, break out of your cell, run along the roof, jump through a plate glass window and rescue her from a crazy inmate wielding a syringe. Then it is ok to date her.

6. You are not allowed to arrange meetings with other inmates in out of the way places such as the abandoned church or in their solitary confinement cell. Unless you really want to. Then it is ok.

7. If you are white, it is recommended you do not go near the black guys, due to continuing racial animosity and segregation. However, if you do a 'westside' sign, then you will be instantly accepted.

8. No animals allowed as pets in prison. Except cats.

9. Under no circumstances will the guard take off your handcuffs. The only circumstance in which cuffs would be removed is if their presence is comprimising your ability to beat up said guard.

10. Under no circumstances will the guard take off your toes. Unless that guard is a badass and sports a bolt cutter.

11. The warden is not your friend. That is, unless you build him a shitty Taj Mahal out of paddle pop sticks. Then he will let you stay in his office all you want, even if he is not there. He will also sacrifice his wife and his career for you.

12. You cannot choose which prison you are to be incarcerated in. Exceptions will be made if and only if you satisfy both these requirements: a) your brother is on death row in a certain prison and b) you built that prison.

Wednesday, March 01, 2006

Turin Breaks

A few nights ago, whilst waiting for the Turkish version of the Nanny to come on SBS (more on that later), we switched across to the coverage of the Torino Winter Olympix Closing Ceremony. Craziness. It was all very confusing... there were Coneheads, nervous looking colonial types, pilgrim people, Avril Lavigne and other Canadians, Andrew Bocelli and other Italians and the Knuckledusters of Hope and Oppression. We spent ages trying to figure out exactly which country Torino was in - Italy or Canadia. I mean... I didn't know that the Coneheads were part of either of their histories.

Anyway, by far the most confounding part of the whole show was the involvement of Satan Rasputin Jr. and his devil minion childs. Observe:

Satan Rasputin Jr. uses the power of the devil childs to summon the Harp of Doom.


SRJ shows off the Harp of Doom's ability to not only shoot out 10m flames, but also to bust out hardcore Wagnerian licks.

I mean, obviously it all made historical sense... saluting the period 1635 - 1783 when Satan Rasputin Jr. ruled the Canadian/Italian hybrid doomstate with a knuckleduster-laden fist. What was confusing was the fact that he had the Harp of Doom, but yet he didn't use it to ash the fleshy populous of the world. All that satanic summoning for nothing.

All in all a pretty disappointing show.