Tuesday, May 31, 2005

Slammed together with a layer of choc

It's always funny when there's a news report about some fat kid who gets stuck in a water pipe and had to be greased up and cut out. Said kid probably shouldn't have eaten a bucket of chicken while waiting for the emergency services to arrive with their hacksaws.

However, on friday I was a witness to the pain and suffering that goes hand in hand with a tragic wedging accident. Pat was playing around with his poster tube, taking it apart, sticking them on his arm as far as they would go (his shoulders) and pretending to be a robot. Man, the fun we had. However, when it was time for the fun to end (after about 45 minutes), it turned out that his right arm had swollen to such an extent that it was stuck in the poster tube!:

We had to cut the poster tube open with a stencil knife and scissors... there was blood and scratching and everthing. Traumatising.

By rule, every high school art teacher is a minion of satan. I challenge you to find me one high school art teacher who isn't hideous, embittered and possibly homocidal. Well, all of that was true of my year 8 art teacher anyway. However, mine was a tiny bit different... for a long time there was this rumour running around school that she had once starred in a porn film called Don's Party. Typical unfounded rumour right? WRONG. One night it came on SBS late at night, and the whole of year 8 sat blubbering in front of the screen with their eyes bleeding as their art teacher lounged sleazily naked in a pool onscreen.

I thought it was all in my past. But browsing through HUM the other day, I happened to see the special collector's 2 disc limited edition of Don's Party on DVD. Holy crap! And there she was, on the back of the cover, naked! THE TRAUMA!

It's not porn, it's art.

Non-humans* are weird sometimes. Take my fish, God, for example. He seems not to care while I use the convex reflection of his fishbowl to mime and pose gangsta style to hip hop. In fact, he just stares me down. Also, on my street, there is this particular area of telephone wires where every single pigeon in the world sits. There seems to be no apparent reason. They don't sit anywhere else. Just on that particular area of wires. Every day. Look:

Just think, if you make a landline telephone call, there's a pretty high chance there's a bird sitting on your conversation.

And just in case you don't believe that they are there every day, in exactly the same spot, take a look at the road directly beneath:

It was dangerous taking this photo.

*I was so broken whilst writing this post that I couldn't figure out if fish were animals. So I went to askjeeves, but he was broken too. I still don't know. Help me!


At 5/31/2005 07:34:00 PM, Anonymous pat said...


At 5/31/2005 11:01:00 PM, Blogger conditionals said...

Oh yeah? See what jeeves has to say about this!

Or this...

At 6/01/2005 01:32:00 AM, Blogger Francomalaisienne said...

Fish is a slimy gooey eeky wooky thing. my Dog is an animal though. that doesn't make any sense at all i know. Ps. Pat's hair ROCK. I'm SO getting that dreads this august when i go away for my backpack trip Wahey. He looks good in it.


At 6/01/2005 02:59:00 AM, Blogger conditionals said...


At 6/02/2005 11:05:00 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

that makes my eyes bleed. not your site will, your site awesomeness incarnate. and no comic sans anywhere might i add


At 6/03/2005 12:12:00 AM, Blogger Francomalaisienne said...

Dreadful ...dreadful indeed.

Please tell him that he's got really nice dreads. Niceey :D


At 6/03/2005 11:17:00 AM, Blogger pat said...


At 6/03/2005 01:40:00 PM, Blogger brydie said...

when i was a kid, i had a big gap between my two front teeth, so i used to stick coins between them...even fittys (i was a hardcore kid)
for some reason however, my teeth got bigger or something and i got a 20c coin wedged between them one day...for 6 hours
you could say i was having a serious cashflow problem...sorry, that was worse than your "dreadful" thing

At 6/14/2005 06:34:00 PM, Anonymous yasmino said...

oh, and what if someone said something to you, and you said "what? how did you know?!" and they said..."a little birdy told me"...

well it would be true.


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