Monday, March 06, 2006

Turgid Breaks

Your guide to prison life.
Informed by the realistic documentary called Prison Break.


Above: Inmates may visit each other only during 'Open Cell Thursdays'

The 12 rules of prison:

1. No contraband items are allowed in prison. However, it should be noted that if you need anything, you may summon it and it will come to you. There is no limit to the amount of times you can summon things such as overhead projectors and mobile phones made out of soap. However, please be advised that there is a once per week limit on summoning the keys to your cell.

2. You are only allowed to make one phone call. The payphone (no payment required) is conveniently located in the prison yard, where you spend most of your day unsupervised. Please note this one call limit does not apply when receiving calls. Or if you really need to call your girlfriend.

3. You must stay in your cell at all times. The only time you can leave your cell is if you really need to crawl in the ventilation ducts to scope out a prospective escape. Inmates should note that there is a 6 hour limit on the amount of time you can be AWOL from your cell without causing minor suspicion, however if you do deviate from this time limit and a guard is approaching, you should use your teleport to magically reappear in your bed. Cell exit is located behind the plastic toilet for your convenience.

4. Tattoos are encouraged. They make you look tough, which is a vital part of surviving prison. Plus, they provide an excellent way of recording the complete blueprints to the prison for quick reference.

5. Do not hit on the prison doctor. Sure, she's hot, young and is also the daughter of the governor (ie: the only one who can grant you clemency), but this is strictly forbidden. That is, unless you sense that she is in danger, break out of your cell, run along the roof, jump through a plate glass window and rescue her from a crazy inmate wielding a syringe. Then it is ok to date her.

6. You are not allowed to arrange meetings with other inmates in out of the way places such as the abandoned church or in their solitary confinement cell. Unless you really want to. Then it is ok.

7. If you are white, it is recommended you do not go near the black guys, due to continuing racial animosity and segregation. However, if you do a 'westside' sign, then you will be instantly accepted.

8. No animals allowed as pets in prison. Except cats.

9. Under no circumstances will the guard take off your handcuffs. The only circumstance in which cuffs would be removed is if their presence is comprimising your ability to beat up said guard.

10. Under no circumstances will the guard take off your toes. Unless that guard is a badass and sports a bolt cutter.

11. The warden is not your friend. That is, unless you build him a shitty Taj Mahal out of paddle pop sticks. Then he will let you stay in his office all you want, even if he is not there. He will also sacrifice his wife and his career for you.

12. You cannot choose which prison you are to be incarcerated in. Exceptions will be made if and only if you satisfy both these requirements: a) your brother is on death row in a certain prison and b) you built that prison.

3 Comments:

At 3/06/2006 09:55:00 PM, Anonymous pat said...

i think the rules for Oz wold have been similar, except:

1. if you are black you are a harcore gangsta who likes to bust caps, or are devoutly religious.

2. if you are white you are probably a nazi. or gay. or both.

 
At 3/07/2006 03:53:00 PM, Blogger conditionals said...

Yeah, those fit Prison Break as well.

Also, there's always a 'go to' guy who is old and wise. He holds the key to the prison breakout plan...

literally.

 
At 3/07/2006 04:56:00 PM, Blogger penfold said...

and to think, i'm missing out on this cutting edge drama...however, the oz rules should be expanded to include the fact that if you are in that prison you will confusingly have doppelgangers in the NYPD. particularly the special vitims unit.

 

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