Friday, December 15, 2006

Man, time. Time... Sonia.

Presenting the most underused feature in all of Microsoft: AutoSummarize. Not only was it quick to jump on the "joining two words together" bandwagon first pioneered by LimpBizkit, but it gives you a kickass way to read all those classics without wasting your time reading those boring classics.



For example, take the entire text of Dostoevsky's Crime and Punishment. All 203,275 words of it. Just load up your computer, pop it into Word and pistol-grip-pump AutoSummarize. Select 'Summarize into 100 words' and let the magic begin...

Crime and Punishment by Fyodor Dostoevsky - Ridiculously Abridged Version:

thought. thought. thought. "PULCHERIA RASKOLNIKOV." Raskolnikov laughed. If. times. Raskolnikov time.

Raskolnikov gazed. If Raskolnikov. "If Raskolnikov If. addressing Raskolnikov. man. men." If Raskolnikov. Raskolnikov laughed, Raskolnikov. If Raskolnikov, If.

"Sonia! If Raskolnikov muttered Sonia, Raskolnikov's Raskolnikov lived?"

Raskolnikov. "Raskolnikov."

Raskolnikov addressed Raskolnikov.

Raskolnikov

Sonia! Sonia, Sonia! thought Raskolnikov.

Raskolnikov. Raskolnikov laughed.

Raskolnikov wondered.

Raskolnikov insisted.

Raskolnikov listened

Raskolnikov Raskolnikov.

If Raskolnikov, Sonia's Raskolnikov smiled. man. Raskolnikov. Raskolnikov.

If If
"Raskolnikov? Sonia?" Sonia! "Sonia! Sonia! Romanovna Raskolnikov. man.... Sonia...."

If If Sonia, Sonia! time? Sonia? man...."

man. time. time.... Sonia.

Raskolnikov shuddered, thought Raskolnikov. "Raskolnikov." Moreover, Raskolnikov.

Sonia. Sonia’s END.

6 Comments:

At 12/21/2006 10:34:00 PM, Blogger Darryn said...

AutoSummarising Tolstoy nearly broke my computer, but Alice's Adventures in Wonderland works a charm:

Alice's Adventures in Wonderland (100 words or less)

ALICE'S RIGHT FOOT, ESQ.
(WITH ALICE'S LOVE).

Poor Alice! Alice felt so desperate
(Alice had
Alice kept her eyes
Alice, and sighing.

Alice called after
would happen: ‘“Miss Alice! Alice heard it
Alice to herself. Alice
Alice.

Alice said to
Alice felt dreadfully puzzled. Alice again.

Alice sighed wearily. Alice asked.

Alice
Alice was silent.

‘Yes!’ shouted Alice.

Alice gave a
Alice thought to
said Alice.

Alice looked up,
Alice
Alice was very
Alice asked.

Alice went on eagerly.

Alice was thoroughly puzzled.
Alice's Evidence

Alice.

Everybody looked at Alice.

Alice.

 
At 12/22/2006 01:22:00 AM, Anonymous pat said...

The Finnish translation of "Anthony and Cleopatra", it turns out, is very one sided:

ANTONIUS JA CLEOPATRA

Antonius ja Cleopatra seurueineen
ANTONIUS.
ANTONIUS.
ANTONIUS.
ANTONIUS.
ANTONIUS.
ANTONIUS.
ANTONIUS.
ANTONIUS.
ANTONIUS.
ANTONIUS.
ANTONIUS.
ANTONIUS.
Ja ilkeys. ANTONIUS.
ANTONIUS.
ANTONIUS.
ANTONIUS.
ANTONIUS.
ANTONIUS.
ANTONIUS.
ANTONIUS.
ANTONIUS.
ANTONIUS.
ANTONIUS.
ANTONIUS.
ANTONIUS.
ANTONIUS.
ANTONIUS.
ANTONIUS.
ANTONIUS.
ANTONIUS.
ANTONIUS.
ANTONIUS.
ANTONIUS.
ANTONIUS.
ANTONIUS.
ANTONIUS.
ANTONIUS.
ANTONIUS.
Ja kilpesi!
ANTONIUS.
ANTONIUS.
ANTONIUS.
Ja kypärää. Lepidus ja Caesar
ANTONIUS.
ANTONIUS.
ANTONIUS.
ANTONIUS.
ANTONIUS.
ANTONIUS.
ANTONIUS.
ANTONIUS.
ANTONIUS.
ANTONIUS.
ANTONIUS.
ANTONIUS.
ANTONIUS.
ANTONIUS.
ANTONIUS.
Antonius
ANTONIUS.
ANTONIUS.
ANTONIUS.
ANTONIUS.
ANTONIUS.
ANTONIUS.
CAESAR, ANTONIUS ja LEPIDUS.
CAESAR, ANTONIUS ja LEPIDUS.
Caesar ja Antonius
Ja nyt? Ja miksi ei?

Ja uskalias.

Ja valtakunnatkin.

 
At 1/01/2007 01:13:00 AM, Blogger walthom said...

Thou, thou Lysander, thou hast giuen her rimes,
Lys. You haue her fathers loue, Demetrius:
Lys. Lys. Lys. Lys. Lys. Lys. Lys. Lys. Enter Helena.

Lys. Enter.

loue

Why art thou heere
Dem. Enter.

Enter.

Enter.

Enter

Enter.

Lysander, Lord,
Enter.


play?
Enter.

thee?
Enter.

Enter.

Dem. Enter.

Enter.

Enter Hermia.

Thy loue? Enter Lysander.

Speake thou now

Where art thou?
Enter Demetrius.

Thou runaway, thou coward, art thou fled?
Enter.

Where art thou?
Enter Helena.

Enter Hermia.

When thou wak'st, thou tak'st
loue

Enter.

men

we haue,
My Loue thou art, my Loue I thinke

Moone. Enter Piramus.

 
At 1/01/2007 01:26:00 AM, Blogger walthom said...

This comment has been removed by the author.

 
At 1/01/2007 01:45:00 AM, Blogger walthom said...

OK this is the most acute sumarised script of all time.


Simba.

Simba.

Simba: Dad! Simba: Sorry!

Simba: Dad? Simba: Dad? Simba: Yeah!

Simba: Wow.

...Simba?

{Enter Simba}

Simba: Mom! Simba: Yeah!!

Simba: Yeah. Simba? Simba: Huh. Simba: Danger? Simba: Puh. Simba: Oops.

Nala: Simba!

Simba... Simba: Dad?

Simba: Ooooh. Mufasa: Simba?

Simba: DAD!!!

Simba: NOOOOOOOO!

Scar: Simba. Simba stirs.}

Simba: Right.

Simba:
Simba: Thanks. Simba: Yeah. Rafiki: Simba? Simba: Nala?

Simba.

Nala: Simba? Simba: Yeah. Nala: Simba!

Right, Simba?

Simba: Hmm.... Simba:

 
At 1/08/2007 03:47:00 PM, Blogger penfold said...

the rime of the ancient mariner is actually improved by a bit of an autosum.
behold:
The Wedding-Guest sat on a stone :
He cannot choose but hear ;
And thus spake on that ancient man,
The bright-eyed Mariner.
The Wedding-Guest he beat his breast,
Yet he cannot choose but hear ;
And thus spake on that ancient man,
The bright-eyed Mariner.
`God save thee, ancient Mariner !
The ship hath been suddenly becalmed.
a sail !
Death and Life-in-Death have diced for the ship's crew, and she (the latter) winneth the ancient Mariner.
`I fear thee, ancient Mariner !
more horrible than that
Is the curse in a dead man's eye !
The bodies of the ship's crew are inspired, and the ship moves on ;
The loud wind never reached the ship,
Yet now the ship moved on !
`I fear thee, ancient Mariner !'
Be calm, thou Wedding-Guest !
FIRST VOICE
Fly, brother, fly ! The angelic spirits leave the dead bodies,
A man all light, a seraph-man,
On every corse there stood.
Approacheth the ship with wonder.
The ship suddenly sinketh.
The ancient Mariner is saved in the Pilot's boat.
O Wedding-Guest !

 

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